MAHAYANA SUTRA

CHAPTER TWO. ATTAINMENT OF KUNDALINI YOGA. PART 1


ENERGY BURSTING UP

Wake up at the morning. I don't know how long I slept. Perhaps about three hours. Then the message came saying that it is about the time to leave. Today is the first day for the seminar. It seems that they had decided to let me sleep up to 7:00 since the time for departureis approximately 7:40.

Departing. Arrived on Seizanso at Tanzawa at 10:00. Begin the practice from 10:30. Today's program is: Pranayama of Tsandali up to 1:00, Vayaviya up to 18:00, Kriya Yoga up to 21:00, then Tsandali.

No food. It is true that my appetite decreased extremely. One meal a day with approximately half amount than usual is enough.

I felt very good in today's Pranayama of Tsandali. Perhaps it is because of good Prana. At the time of visualization of Ratnasanbava, yellow (or golden) energy bursts up to the crown of my head. I also intensionally tried to let this energy go up even in other four Buddhas, only in vain. Only at the Ratnasanbava did the energy rose.

I feelless difficulty in today's Vayaviya. Vayu rises strongly. Today, forthe first time,I feel vayu, or energy, rising up to the crown of my head.

I asked about this to Master. He said, "Iti is because of the purification of the Chakra in your throat. The stuck which you used to have is taken away because I took it away while I have you my energy yesterday.".

It is true that the light smoothly rises if there is no stuck at the throat. I tried to see the color and the state of energy while I am in the state of ecstacy. In many cases, red or orange bursted up. When Kunbaka was rather short, the color changed into yellow. Sometimes, white silver rose, and then shining clear red (or yellow) rose. This red was similar to that of the Sun-ray. After that, light purple rose, or dark green could be seen.

After all the lights have risen, I could see white circle (or triangle) without strong light. I could see some materials in dark color (blue? green?) around it. I tightened my throat so that the air wouldnot leak, and done Kunbaka as long as I could.

6:00 PM. Practice a set of Kriya Yoga. Today is the day for Basti. 2,000 cc. was not enough to find clean water. I feel the lack of physical energy. Little fatigue. It took me 3 hours to practice everything including Dauti and Neti. After that, bathing. Little cold because it is in the mountain. Washing hair made me cold.

9:00 PM. Tsandali. Difficult to go into meditation. Body is cold. Sleepy. 10:30. The Master comes and tells me to put blanket.

"It was a failure today." he said.

"I WILL let you attain enlightenment in this seminar. You still have parts within you which haven't been purified yet. And that is what disturbing your attainment.".

To tell the truth, I made repentance twice to the Master before I came into the isolated practice. I made the repentance on: stuck within me, what is hidden within me, what I ama ashamed of, what I don't want to tell, what I have not told yet not because I was intentionally hiding but because it did not give any benefit for me, and so forth.

Though I have told most of the stucked parts within me by repenting twice, but I still had certain things within myself. At that night, I actually saw in my vision at the Astral world that I was caught to. Master told me to chant the phrases for repentance. And also taught me a meditation of light.

THE LAST REPENTANCE - I HAVE NOTHING ANYMORE

While practicing the Pranayama of Tsandali, about 8:00 AM, I became caught to thething which occured in my mind. I found one thing which is stucked within my mind. I had repented to Master what I thought was necessary in the last tworepentance. however, it seems that after taking away one big stuck, the next biggest stuck appears in the sufficient consciousness. I thought of the necessity to go to Master to speak about it after the program was over. The Master should be tired and lying on the floor. However, as I went on thinking about this stuck of mind, it became bigger and bigger, which made me unable to stand it. I can't wait anymore. I can't practice anymore. I stood up. Then I found myself knocking at the Master's room next door.

"What is it."

"I came to repent."

"I see... what's this time."

He askes in usualnatural manner. I alwayslose my speech here. In my last repentance, I also became unable to utter any words, though I know what I need to say. Sometimes it took me 30 minutes to speak out one perticular thing.

My consciousness can not bear without telling, but various ideas crosses in my mind;

"What would Master think if I tell him about this?"

"I used to be known as a good girl, or a good disciple. However, he may get tired of me if he recognized my dirty inner world or my dirty deeds.".

"I want to express myself much better than what I really am." Such thoughts makes me unable to speak. Since Masteralso knows my inner conflict, heleads me in various way so that I can speak easily.

Now, the time has come when I have toget rid of my inner cover of my mind which I used to accumulate for 26 years.

First confession

Second confession

Third confession

I already did the first and teh second confession before I enter the isolated practice. My inner poison went out greatly by these confessions, but at the same time, there was also the strong shock to my egoistic idea.

This is my third confession. This is my final confession.

Thereare no more stuck of my mind left within me.

I told at once to him what I had done in my past; the dirty part of myself, and what made me warped. Though I know that the Master knows everything since he is enlightened, there is a strong resistence when I speak about the true and dirty parts of myself, or ashamed parts of myself.

After I made the confession to Master, Icried for a few hours. I have lost what I thought was important. Though it was a fake self,not the real self,I wanted to think that this fake self was actual self. Originally, I have dirty worldly desires which is the most humanic factor. However, I wanted to think that I am pure. In fact I was trying to think like that. I was trying to put eternal cover to the stinky things. I was satisfied with the idle of myself, trying not to look into the reality.

However, such working of mind warps me. This warp causes another warp to the matter which concerns with the previous matter. Warp making another warps and made me lose my real self.

I confessed everything in front of the great Guru. The illusion which I used to make within my 26 years of lifetime had collapsed at once.

What was the thing which I thought was important? What I thought was me was not me in fact. What I thought was beautiful was all dirty in fact. The self who which I thought was important, as well as my pride, was all illusion which was created by my egoistic idea.
I have nothing anymore.
I lost what I thought was the most important thing.
What was most important for me was my egoistic idea.
I have nothing anymore.
It is meaningless for me to live.
Perhaps my important Guru who used to trust me should be tired of me.
I want to escape.
What can I do after escaping?
I don't know.
Perhaps it is better for me to die.
I want to die.
I kept crying. I cried as much as possible.
I cried, I cried, I cried even if my face became red.
It was suffering, sorrow, and hardship.
How stupid I am.
How dirty I am.
No truth exists within me (egoistic self)
Various thoughts appeared and disappeared. Everything contained the factor of desperateness.
Opposite to my working of mind, Master looked calm.

"I see."

He said that it was what he had expected. He never accuse me. He is always calm no matter what happens. No matter who may say something, he never moves his mind. He said, "Everything is the process for the destruction of the egoistic idea. If you haven't washed them off (if you haven't confessed the warped mind), you couldn't attain enlightenment. You would have regretted."

"If possible, I didn't want to tell you this even if I couldn't attain enlightenment."

"That is the foundamental ignorance."

I found little calm and went back to my room. Today's schedue has just begun. But I can't practice. I was in the deep desperate. All my thoughts brought me to negative result, which makes me want to die.

It is hard to imagine the pain and the shock when one gets rid of what one used to be and eradicates one's egoistic idea. I was caught to the deep desparate which I had never experienced before. (What was myself which I thought was me?).

I was sitting alone in the dark room as a dead.

Master came. The moment he looked at me, he said, "You are now the most beautiful than what you used to be. The stuck of mind had been taken away, and the egoistic idea is about to be washed off. You really are close to attain enlightenment.".

I found out that everything was the necessary process. Master pulled me up from the darkness of ignorance. Now I know that there is a incredible pain and suffering so as to die when a man do not become a man. It is a shock which is impossible to imagine.

However,Master emits the warm light. People around him find calmness when they are surrounded by this light. Stumble mind as well as troubled mind can be released by the vibration of the light. I recovered from the shock by staying in his light.

I could see the path of light in front of me. This is the only path which I can take. Rather than to waste my time regretting for what I had lost, I shall walk ahead. The next thing I will earn should be tens or hundreds times bigger than what I have lost.

I begun my spiritual practice.

On that night, I entered Samadhi for the first time in my life. Approximately 1 hour. It seemed to be the Samadhi in low dimention.